Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
