There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
