see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
