I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
