Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
