shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
