yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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