Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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