I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
