I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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