Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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