Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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