alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I supernannyed him into submission
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
