In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
