I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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