i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
