I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
