I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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