I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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