No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize