then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
