I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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