don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
