Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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