bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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