I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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