I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
