if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize