did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he puts the penis in happiness.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
