Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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