Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
