No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
