My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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