2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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