On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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