Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
