If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
