new low.... made out with someone while peeing
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
