I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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