im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
