i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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