i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
