if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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