he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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