From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Randomize
