she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
