just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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