I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
