Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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