apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
