So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
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