I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
