he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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