no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
